I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I have questions??
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Every work call, he judges.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”