Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.