My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Just a friendly reminder!
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.