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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?