Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.