They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.