{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
2022: I can fix it
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.