Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch