Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Raisins are grape jerky.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Always 🥴
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”