I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
What is going on? 😅
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”