If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
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Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone