I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
No I don鈥檛 want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Nelly Furtado: I鈥檓 like a bird, I鈥檒l only fly away
A bird: you鈥檝e got me there
Nelly: I don鈥檛 know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Bring back the McRib
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
You can tell a lot about people, you just don鈥檛 need to.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 馃檨 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
God: you鈥檙e really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i鈥檝e been to a gift shop.”
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.