You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
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REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Not my job 😂
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please