I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Received some very disappointing news today
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
This is amazing.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
True
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it