[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”