Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics