Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker