Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
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You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Liquor Store Parking
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
They’re called werewolves.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me