Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Meowchelangelo
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.