the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.