Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it