I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.