I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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This did not end as expected.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
We like the way Dwight thinks
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
When you’re Kinky but poor
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta