I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
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People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.