*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
You Might Also Like
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“our sushi is very fresh”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick