If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder