Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Just a friendly reminder!
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely