If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
birds and squirrels envy us
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”