Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel