I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis