How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
They did not miss in the small print
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Life hack
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Just a phase…
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Is….Is this an option?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?