Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
mood
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me: