Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”