Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
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Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.