I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
You Might Also Like
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
R.I.P.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Taliband
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha