my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
You Might Also Like
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.