Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
You Might Also Like
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
🚲+physics = winner
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”