[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
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jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet