“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.