instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
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My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.