If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I put the h in mysterious.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.