10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
i think both sides are to blame here
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My dog learned how to text
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha