Single and childfree like Jesus
You Might Also Like
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking