What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
who wants to go expliring
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.