Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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me
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)