-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.