Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”