So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Well, shit
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.