Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
You Might Also Like
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Rather alarming headline…
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: