Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
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Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.